Don't Let Today Be Lost to Yesterday

In the past 11 months I have lost 4 people that I loved. It has been a pretty emotional year. Tonight I should have been home watching television, resting after practice not at a memorial to say goodbye to my dear friend, Gail.

Nothing makes sense, according to my calendar on October 31, 2011 I am supposed to be dropping off my shelves and crafts to Gail at Baldwin Hall. I am still in a bit of shock. I have Gail’s message saved on my cell phone, she asked how Kathryn and Cole were doing, if I am ready for the upcoming craft show and can she borrow my shelves again this year. She ended with she knew I was busy, no rush simply call her back when life slowed down and I had time to talk. I saved her message to remind myself to call her after homecoming and Charlotte’s wedding this weekend. I made the mistake of waiting too long, assuming I had plenty of time to talk and catch up. I believed because I had written a date on my calendar Gail was going to be there. After all she had always been there for the past 27 years, why would this year be different? We had spent the past twenty years in the back room at her craft show as we inventoried crafts in, catching up on the year that had past, laughing, sharing photographs and sometimes even crying over life. This year should have been the same, no one expects their friend to die suddenly. Now sadly the time I had to call Gail is gone. I lost the opportunity to talk to my friend one last time, I allowed today to simply pass away to yesterday. I made the mistake of believing I still had tomorrow to catch up.

Driving home from Gail’s memorial I wondered how many of my friends would make the same mistake I had, believing they still had time with their friends. Tomorrow they would return a phone call, reconnect with an old friend and see how they were doing. They weren’t worried about missing the upcoming reunion because surely everyone would be at the next. How many of my friends believe they still have time to let someone know how important they are, how much they loved them, say thank you. How many will let time pass and never say what should have been said long ago. Then I thought of all my friends who were no longer talking to each other, exes that no longer speak. For one reason or another they cannot allow themselves to forgive. I have often heard, “Eventually I will get over it and forgive them.” When does eventually stop being? I wonder what happens if they wake up tomorrow and the person they refuse to forgive or talk to is no longer there? Their chance to let go and move on is gone? What regrets will they have? There are people who I was excited to reconnect with. I enjoyed our weekly email correspondence when suddenly they stopped writing. When I asked what was wrong I received no response. I tried to discover what mistakes I may have made so I could correct them, apologize. I let them know their silence hurt me, again I received no answer so now I wonder will they carry any regrets when I am gone. The regret I have is never knowing what I did to upset them and never given the opportunity to correct whatever it was.

No matter how much we may want to, we can never get yesterday back. No one is flawless, some relationships end, people make mistakes. We are all wonderfully human, beautifully imperfect. Where a photograph of a person may fit perfectly in a frame of our choosing, friends don’t always conform to the ideas or standards we want them to but that does not make them less worthy of our forgiveness or friendship. In the end why would we ever expect or want anyone to be anything less than fallible? We are who we are, good and/or bad. Perfect people are to say the least boring. Flawed friends are paradisaical, they keep life interesting. We grow as individuals by making mistakes, leaning how to forgive and move forward.

Some times I believe we get so caught up in what has happened or what was said in the past we lose sight of what is truly precious now, time! We allow it to fall through the cracks of life and get away from us. Time we have been blessed with that our friends who have passed would cherish. How many times after a loved one has died have we all wished for one more hug, one more chance to say I love you. What we lose sight of, we no longer have that time with them, they are gone, but we still have it with each other! For now we have time to share together, time to laugh, hug and cry. Most importantly we have time to forgive! We are blessed; we can still feel the sun on face, taste the rain on our lips, feel the wind in our hair and watch the moon rise. Most importantly we have been given the gift of another day with the ones we love. We are the lucky ones, we still have today to enjoy and create memories together with our family and friends; it’s tomorrow that is uncertain. Treasure now don't wait for eventually.

Please remember there are no do overs in life, you can never regain lost time, so make today count, do not allow it to become a yesterday of regret.

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Less than twelve hours after I posted this piece I learned Kala Marie Austin was killed in a car crash driving to school. She was just 17 years old. I first met Kala when she was 8 years old and cheering with the Bucs. My dear good friend Patty was her coach. I would often attend Patty's practices to help her with stunts and her routine. I was able to watch Kala grow through cheerleading and Patty's kids. What I remember most about Kala, her big soft eyes. When she gave me that look during practice, I coudln't yell at her, I could only smile and laugh. I use to tease her that I was sure that look had Dad wrapped around her finger. She would smile and agree! Kala wanted to grow up to become a teacher, that was her dream. She was interning through Chesapeake High School at Bodkin Elementary School and in the short month and a half she was there, she touched many lives. She had a caring heart and a gentle soul.
It was hard to say good bye at her funeral, looking at her senior pictures, wondering all she could have been, knowing all she had been. The photograph that touched me most, the one of Kala in her cap and gown. Looking at it, reality sunk deep within me, on graduation day, when all her friends will be celebrating, she will not be there to share in the joy.
Please, forgive, laugh and love because none of us know how long we have on this earth. Never forget to tell the ones you love and care about how much they mean to you.
RIP Kala ....you are loved and will be missed!!

Relationships- Lessons Learned

A few weeks back I was out with a group of friends when the conversation turned to previous relationships. I was surprised at how many of my friends did not like their former partners. They dreaded the thought of running into them. I was perplexed that a vast majority of my friends believed they did nothing wrong, the relationship ended because the other party was one hundred percent at fault. As gently as possible, I tried to question, if they had done nothing wrong, if they were the perfect partner, wouldn’t they still be in the relationship? I was showered with an instantaneous and unanimous, “I had nothing to do with its failure.”

Why do people believe if a relationship ends, it was a failure? For me the answer has always been, it ends because it was never meant to last. For some reason or another, we, me and whomever, were not perfect for each other. A break-up is only a failure if you do not learn from it.

When a union dissolves the fault lies with both parties. It takes two people to make a relationship work and it takes two people to end it. One may carry more blame than the other but each person must own their share for its breakdown.

I can hear the chorus now; how can I be responsible if my partner cheated on me? A significant other does not cheat is their partner is perfect. I have had boyfriends cheat on me and it hurt me deeply. I also realized they cheated because I was not listening to them; I was not giving them what they needed. I did not see the signs I needed to pay more attention to him.

I have friends who would ask how could it possibly be their fault when their ex cheated on all their previous partners. The fault lies in dating a person you know to be a serial cheater. Why would you ever think they would be different for you?

I learned a long time ago if you own your part of the responsibility, what you did wrong, it is easier to understand their actions. Why they went in search of someone else. It does not make what they did right but it does make it easier to forgive and move on. Until you forgive, as long as one holds anger, you are in essence still tied to your past, tied to them. It is impossible to move forward until you are free.

Of course I also understand there are people in this world who defy explanation, no ifs, ands or buts; they are jerks, evil, bad. These are the abusive partners. They have the ability to suck all the happiness and joy out of a person. They fool everyone around them, hiding their true ‘personality or character’ until it is too late, a person is already deep into a relationship. The time they steal from a person can never be regained but with God’s grace and with a lot of help from family and friends the person who is sucked into a relationship with an evil person can survive the damage and move on. The lesson is looking back and trying to recognize the hints, the clues they subtly dropped at the beginning of the relationship, understanding why one refused to see them. The only true fault is usually being too nice, too naïve and not leaving sooner.

I have heard friends state they have the divorce or the break up from hell, but why was it hell? I have never been married or had a bad break up so I have no personal experience. From what I have witnessed, nasty endings are because one or both parties are hurting, feel wronged. The 'injured' party feels they have done nothing wrong, they have every right to impose their wrath. They are still suffering therefore they must cause the other person to feel as much pain as they do. They are not ready to admit or own their fault in the collapse of the relationship. They honestly believe they hate their previous lover, not recognizing it they didn't love them so much, they wouldn't be hurting so badly. My grandmother once told me the difference between love and hate is pain and anguish. The only cure, recognize the difference and forgive.

I look at my previous relationships as building blocks, life’s lessons until I find the man I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. My past boyfriends made me who I am and I am thankful I dated them. I am grateful most are still a part of my life. It always saddens me when I hear people talk about how much they hate their ex. If they saw them they would turn away, leave where ever they were. Maybe I am not the norm, but I know if I saw one of my exes I would walk up and hug them. Catch up over lost time and laugh over old times.

I have often wondered why is it so hard for some people to remember the good parts of their relationship, what first attracted them to their ex? Why instead do they choose to dwell on the ending, all the bad parts of the relationship, the character flaws of their ex? We all have our imperfections, just as I had to learn to adjust to their quirks, they had to deal with all my peculiarities. I am not perfect and I have never expected my partner to be as well. Besides perfection is pretty boring!

I have been pretty lucky in the boyfriend department. Most of my relationships have been with some pretty amazing men. I may not have realized it at the time, but looking back I recognize how truly fortunate I was. I would be lying if I did not confess that a few of my exes devastated me and it took me a while to get over the pain of the hurt they inflicted. For a time, because of them, I built ‘walls’ to protect myself from feeling too much, never wanting to experience that kind of hurt again. As I matured I recognized and accepted my part in how the relationship deteriorated, why it fell apart. I had to take my responsibility in causing my own pain. The most eye opening moment, when I realized in a few of my relationships I was more at fault than my ex. Time has a way of disclosing the truth if you are willing to search your soul.

The only way I have ever been able to liberate myself and move forward, examine the relationship. Identify what was wonderful, what hurt, what was my fault, and what would I change. To move forward, never make the same mistake, I had to be honest, look deep within myself and admit my faults. It was never important what my ex did, that was for them to accept and own, I had to concentrate on what I could take away from the relationship. I had to ask myself the hard questions. I had to learn how I could grow, forgive and move forward; be ready for the next man in my life. Sometimes examining my mistakes in a relationship was a difficult lesson but I understood if I did not learn from them I would constantly repeat them and I truly hate repetition of a bad nature!! Who knows maybe my next boyfriend will be 'Mr. Right' and after learning from all my mistakes, my faults hopefully I will be ready for him.